katy parker

a stew of emotion!

why do we have to get so insecure? things could be much worse. oh well.

woops, i forgot!

i am thankful for

my friends
my family
their health
having my car to myself
having a decent job where i get to hang out with my brother
having an awesome roommate who isn't crazy and who loves decorating as much as i do
finally being done with my observation hours. that i got to observe a really good teacher.
my comfy bed at home
guys who come in to rent a tux and then friend me on facebook...hmmm
my butt (it'll make the list every time)
my moccassins
new music
the promise of graduating this year (!!!)
pea coats
my dog and cat
shakespeare plays on CD that i can read along with
my dorm
my phone
gap commercials
my freckles
my boots
belize and the events that inspired me to go there
breakups
dates
decoupage
that i got all my classes without incident
that i didn't get hit by a bike...woops

give me advice!
there's this kid in my poetry class. we sometimes sit next to each other and talk a little during class. he's really cute and nice, and he writes good poems. last week, he came up to me and told me my poem was awesome, that he felt the exact same way as i do (about what i wrote about) and that i did a great job of writing it. he smiles at me when he walks into the room, and he waved at me once on campus.

i would definitely like to talk to him more. how can i do this without looking desperate or like a creeper? i don't know how to flirt. i've never pursued anyone before. am i supposed to do anything? i'm not sure that he necessarily likes me. he's friendly though. i become freakishly shy when i actually like someone before they like me. tell me what to dooooo.


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i am so ready for thanksgiving. food food food. sleep sleep sleep. and lots of final papers to write. but mostly i think i will be lazy and watch movies and go shopping.

---
last night i watched michelle compete in a rockband tournament at parkside's dining hall. her group failed twice during the song, but the guy playing the guitar did a backflip off the stage, so they won in my book.

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this girl who lives here, celeste, is annoying me like crazy. she's had this bizarre relationship with this guy daniel for like two years now. they speak only in baby talk, they do nauseating peck kisses in front of everyone, she spends probably 5 out of 7 days of the week at his house instead of here, etc. etc. she always talks about how much stuff he buys her when she gets mad at him and how she doesn't let him masturbate or watch porn.

ANYWAY, celeste started crying today because she was SO TIRED because she got NO SLEEP last night because she was texting this guy greg (not her boyfriend) and how greg LOVES her SO MUCH and they have SUCH a CONNECTION and she feels SO GUILTY about emotionally cheating on daniel but it feels SO GOOD to talk to greg. but how she will DEFINITELY stop talking to greg ASAP.

GAG MEEEE. i'm so sick of listening to her. it just makes me angry. she's incredibly insecure, even though she acts like she's this maneating independent woman. she completely settled for someone she doesn't respect, and then she distracts herself by talking to other guys on the side. the only plus is that it makes me feel completely sane and secure when i compare her to myself. we know there's trouble when that's happening.



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i am teaching high schoolers for the first time on friday. i am leading a "socratic seminar" about a short story they are reading. we are discussing the difference between altruistic heroism and needless self-sacrifice. i am scurrrred!!! but excited maybe.


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i really need to evaluate my life.

and to pay for belize by friday. uggggh.

shut up! i can't stand people sometimes.

tonight i'm going to a gay club to see a drag queen show. and i think it's gonna be awesome. more on that later!

i have a fat belly. that's the only thing i can really say about anything.


lots of homework.


i can't wait to go home for thanksgiving and clean out my closet. i have the urge to just go there and do it now. i think that means i'm a little stressed out.

i need to do something different. every day is the same.

also, if anyone knows any good poems, let me know, because i need to read one to my class.

what the fuck, universe?

this week

-monday: furlough day! woo! but i got nothing done. i didn't even go observe. monday night was vampire weekend at the art theater on 4th street. i was sort of excited...i've never listened to them, but my friends were all happy. chris came and it was sort of awkward because we couldn't tell nadia he was there.

so i go to pick up andy with all my friends in the car, and i guess he wasn't expecting them to be there, and he got really weird and quiet. he said he was just overwhelmed, but he basically acted really awkward almost the whole evening. then randomly he grabbed my hand and kissed my cheek and said "you know what, i'm just going to not think about anything anymore. i'm happy to be here." weird and sort of forboding, considering that i explained to him that i don't want to be his girlfriend and want to date other people in addition to him. things are gonna get weird.
after the show, we got free ice cream from this guy in a van. it's just about as creepy as it sounds, and i totally ate the ice cream anyway.

tuesday:
i don't even remember what else happened other than this. I GOT HIT BY A FUCKING BIKE. i got hit and knocked over by a bicyclist. here's the scoop.

i am walking to class, minding my own business, enjoying jenny lewis on my ipod. i am crossing the street entirely legally in a crosswalk protected with stop signs. the crosswalk is located at the bottom of a hill/slope thing. i am in the middle of the crosswalk when i notice that a guy on a fixed gear bike (no brakes) is racing down the hill in my direction. clearly, he doesn't intend to stop, even though he is in a main lane of traffic and there is a stop sign in front of him. so i decide that i will stop walking and stand still in the middle of the street so that he will understand and go around me. this made sense at the time, because he was really right there in front of me, and i got scared.

in the two seconds that followed, i realized that he was not stopping. instead he rode his bike into my general torso, knocking me onto the ground in the middle of the street. holy shit. i was so embarassed. all these girls crowded around me saying ohmyggaaad are you okaaaay and trying to help me up. the guy on the bike didn't even stick around to apologize or ask if i was okay or anything.

so i am escorted to the other side of the street and then left alone. i remember saying "i just ate shit!" to try and make the girls laugh, but they didnt. so i was just standing there, and i began to panick. i walked a few yards and sat down on a rock and started crying. this lady came up to me and had to demand that i tell her what was wrong. the lady calls the police, even though i ask her not to, and within minutes there are two cop cars there to...to do what? i dunno.

my arms were scraped and one of them is bruised, but i was fine. the police asked me what kind of bike it was. what the fuck?? i don't know. haha. they wrote down my driver's license number so that i will forever have "completely ate shit after bicycle hit her" on my record forever. then i had to give a description of the guy. then they told me they probably wouldnt be able to do anything for me. THANKS i didn't ask you to. then i walked to class, tried to explain to mrs. hume why i was late, and ended up crying even more because i was so flustered.

OH MY GOD. so shitty. THEN i get like 4 texts from different people saying "omg i saw you talking to the police, what's going on?" and "are you okay? i saw you and you looked upset...." so there was no hope of concealing this embarassing ordeal.

while i was on the rock, i called my mom, and she freaked out a little bit too. her mom voice came out for the first time in years..."okay, you need to STOP CRYING and CALM DOWN." haven't heard that in forever. she called my brother, i called my brother. he laughed at me, and it made me feel better.

but really, does it get any more awkwardly painful? probably. but UGGGGHHH.


what else.......

i dunno. justin is now ignoring me completely. andy won't stop telling me how much he likes me, even though i'm trying to keep some distance. i should say though that he really is a good person who is smart and funny and one of the nicest people i have met. but you see, i've been relying on the universe to compensate me for my unsuccessful relationships. remember? i made a deal, i said that because last year wasn't so much fun, the universe would pay me back. well? well??? the only semblence of a relationship in my life is random dates with my ex-boyfriend, school sucks, i'm getting fatter, i work all weekend this weekend, and i get hit by bikes now, apparently. what the hell!

it's not all bad though. i get to hang out with some people from my shakespeare class on saturday night, so i guess that'll be okay.

things are fine, i'm just....aaaggghhhhhh

you know?

halloween went well. i spent it at my friend andrew's house in redondo beach with my friends. my friends had awesome costumes, and a bunch of people were there.

remo was dressed as a nerd and did the most ridiculous dances and had an inhaler and everything. michelle was frieda khalo and looked so awesome. sam had a homemade catwoman suit that looked like it could be from a movie. i had to help her go to the bathroom and get it off so she could pee. it took 20 minutes and i accidentally saw her half naked. my friends sean and monica were peg and al bundy from married with children. hmmm my friend dan was billy mays. hahaha it was funny

not everyone got my costume, but i think i looked cute. i was in a good mood and i seriously danced for like an hour. THEN i made about 7 or 8 shots in a game of beerpong, which is quite a feat, since i don't like beerpong and have only made about two shots ever.

i slept on a floor and had to listen to my friend marcos and his girlfriend flirt with each other at like 5am. i was so grumpy when i woke up this morning. uggghhh

i just got back from spending time with my reluctant reader. i went to his house over by spring view and talked to his mom and him for about a half hour. it went pretty well. mainly because i brought him hawaiian punch frozen yogurt from cherry on top.

i have to go to my uncle's retirement party now. it's gonna be awkward but whatever.


i'm sleepy

why this very moment is awesome:

furlough on monday
halloween weekend
daylight savings time on saturday (extra hour of sleep)
i only work friday

i guess that's it. but life is okay.

everybody is bugging me. i'm bugging everybody. i'm bugging me.

gross gross dining hall food.

need plans for halloween.

nadia has come to our dorm crying two or three times now.

i'm trying to mentally prepare myself for belize, because i will not want to go when the time actually comes.

i am going to be a hermit for a little while.

so, today is my one year anniversary of being single. i now officially enact october 26th as my annual be-good-to-yourself day, because i look at what happened a year ago as something that should remind me to take care of myself, to make myself and my life a general priority, to always be aware of the quality of my relationships. so i treated myself to a trip to forever 21.

i went to the store at the lakewood mall. HOLY SHIT that place is huge. I've never seen so much cheap, cute clothing all in one space. It's seriously like a costco or something. i got a sweater, two shirts, some jeans, and some tights. sweet deal. the new tegan and sara album comes out tomorrow, so i'm also going to snag that. it's nice to be filling the void of a boyfriend with merchandise.

i've been going to observations. i really like the student teacher i've been watching. her name is kelly. she's only a bit older than i am. she's a little taller but mostly the same size and shape. and she looks really young too. but she's really good at managing the classroom and planning lessons. she's been teaching AP seniors about the canterbury tales, and now shakespeare. i like her.

remember sean boulger? andy told me that sean boulger said this about me today: "i used to know katy when she was a mousy little freshman, and now she's full-figured and hot." i don't know whether to barf or laugh. note 1) i am the same weight and general shape as i have been since about the 11th grade. note 2) even if i do look different, i haven't really talked to him in like a year or two. note 3) i wish i could go back and tell my mousy little self this because i would have died. i used to love him so. oh, note 4) i'll never be categorized as hot. let's keep it that way.

i can't get all my reading done. it's not realistic. right now it's all a balancing act. i try to plan the best time to read for particular classes, and i pick and choose what is more important than the rest. i guess it's working. i've gotten A's and B's on most of my work. a few botched quizzes, but whatever.

i've got advising with mrs. hume tomorrow night. you know, i'm not sure i like her as much. she said weird stuff to the parents at back to school night. and i know she and mrs. cooper have talked shit about me and anna at some point. i bet you anything!!!!!

i miss high school a little.

blaaah i never have time to write

well, i still exist. i miss all the people i don't see as much anymore.

my extended family came over tonight to celebrate my grandpa's 70th birthday. steven wasn't there because he was at a concert. i wish he had been. it's more stressful without him. but anyway

i was thinking. i've seen all of these people age so much. they're older and tired and maybe less crisp and optimisitic and energetic than they used to be. and i felt guilty that i don't see them as much anymore, and that it's so hard for my mom to find one single time when everyone is free. and that my brother couldn't be there. and just how differently i look at my family, how much more human and fragile they are.

but then i realized that the whole point of everything is that they were all still here. everyone made the effort to come over and spend time together. whether they don't completely get along, whether they might have other things to do, whether they felt tired or were aching. everyone was there and acting the way they have always acted since before i was born. the only thing that has changed is the passage of time and the perspective from which i see them. they're not as pretty and as young and energetic, but they're all there. they're all asking me how school is, laughing with each other, telling the same stories. they all know each other and they all know me. they all made the effort to come and be together on a sunday night.

and i feel like they'll be that way until it's physically impossible for them to be that way. and i'm so thankful.

the point i'm making is kind of muddled. but that's the jist of it. i'm incredibly lucky.

and i miss you. and you and you.

i miss the past. i'm trying to be okay with the present, and i feel like everything and everything's mom is based on the idea of the future.

so i'm just alive and all emotional about everything.

i'm thankful for all my friends here too, but a lot of them are annoying me lately. mostly gus. he's kind of bossy and judgemental and immature. but i'm not worried about it.


uuuuuuugggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh
i

i'm cranky


and nobody needs to hear why except for you, livejournal.

here's a list of stuff i can complain about.

i have a hard time taking criticism.
i hate not getting enough sleep.
i hate that nobody who lives here seems to understand how much work i have to do and that i need a quiet room to do it in.
i hate that no one understands that i have a family that i want to spend some time with every now and then
and nobody understands that i have a job
or that i just don't always want to go somewhere or drink or do something other than relax for one second


and suddenly i'm boring and a bad friend and a flake. it's the same with every group of friends i've had here. always the same. maybe i'm too closed off. maybe i don't try enough things. i don't know. i don't have the energy. i'm always tired and always worried. i'm so sick of this semester. i feel so unprepared for all the things i have to do, so behind, so bored in my classes.

bitch moan bitch moan bitch moan

encircle me

i need

to be

taken down


well nobody likes to, but i really like to cry
well nobody likes me, baby, if i cry

nobody
nobody
nobody

encircle me

i need

to be

taken down

rob thomas concert tonight with my mom and her friends. it was fun, although i spent a good chunk of it freaking out about cramming observations, reading the entirety of Dr. Faustus, finishing my Sherman Alexi presentation and doing my faculty interview within the next 20 hours or so. i started crying a little but no one saw. then, rob thomas said "for two hours, i want you to forgot all the horrible shit that exists outside these walls!" so i decided that tomorrow i am taking a personal day. or at least personal morning. mainly so i can finish my presentation and get ready for my interview. UGGGGH

ps, i love my mom. maybe i should tell her more. i dunno. she's just a good mom. and there aren't a huge ton of those, in my opinion.

everyone in my dorm has the flu. fevers. coughs. sleepless nights. WOOP WOOP. i'm waiting. and not touching anything. i just got sick. i can't get sick again.

i passed the CBEST. mebest. that rhymes.

i really want to just scream and smash things. i feel the urge all day.

my friend benny asked me out via facebook chat.

a) i thought he was gay
b) i don't want facebook to be a part of how i get asked on a date

so i said no, even though he's cool.

it just kinda bugs me though. why can't i just find someone who is confident, funny, smart, nice and actually mature? maybe tall too? i deserve it. i guess we all do. i'm going crazy. maybe i sound picky. but i'm not being too picky. i'm having normal demands. i can't forget that i decided not to settle ever again. the world is dumb and wants you to settle.

i got saturdays off of work. thank the sweet lord. i will have a little extra time for homework and family and fun. it'll be good.

high schoolers again in the morning. i really need to get some slacks that fit right. i think i've lost weight since i started at men's wearhouse, because my pants are really baggy. it makes me feel like kind of a slob. but i definitely need to look as little like a student as i can. those security guards scare me.


i am 21.5 years old today! happy half birthday! hap ha birt.  <-- half of a happy half birthday

i have to explain a passage of hamlet to my shakespeare class this week. i've said absolutely nothing in that class all year. english majors are SO WEIRD SO ANNOYING SO WORDY. and they always want to talk and tell everyone what they think and how much they read and how smart they are. and all those kids are in my class. so i'm a little nervous.





i guess that's it. i'm a little boring these days.

i made a down payment for belize. 500 bucks GONE permanently. it hurts so much.

chris broke up with nadia.  this doesn't mean much to anyone who can see this livejournal except for me. i feel so sad for her. a little for him i guess. it just makes me angry.
 
it's giving me flashbacks to last year. i can't believe it's been a year already. i should do something to celebrate my year-long lonliness. teehee.

where the wild things are: i have never seen a movie like it at all. the best parts are in the beginning. it does a great job of looking at things from a kid's point of view. and the way everything looks is amazing. i was pretty impressed. the story is sad though.

ummm life. i just observed at mesa view. another reminder that i cannot teach middle schoolers. but i got to observe my reluctant reader in class. let me say, he is going to be a babe. and he's well-dressed and seems to be popular. i'm bribing him with frozen yogurt to let me interview him again. this project makes me uncomfortable haha.

superhero party tonight! my costume is going to be robin, but it's basically a t-shirt, a mask, and some green spandex. everyone's costume is last-minute though, i'm pretty sure.

uggggh work all fucking weekend. and obersvation all friggin next week. and reading. and reading. and reading.


sorry i'm complaining. nadia was at the movie last night and was crying in the bathroom. she kept getting up to go outside and eventually ended up in the lobby crying. it hurts to watch!

got stains on my t-shirt, and i'm the bigggesssst flirt, right now i'm solo but that will be changin' eventually. got bruisssses on my heart and sommmetimes i get dark, if you want my auto, want my autobiography, baby just assskk meeeee

teehee. i have to write an autobiography for my teaching program application. my class got cancelled this morning. that's 5 out of 8 classes this week. so i'm in a good mood and trying to get pumped to sum myself up in three pages. woo woo woo woo woo

maybe i will add more to this post later



edit: god, i used to be such a good writer. in 2005. booooo

i started observations today at millikan high school. they wear uniforms. they had a security guard checking uniforms at the front entrance. i thought for sure he would think i was a student and try to send me away. but i was wearing slacks and a nice shirt, and i got in. woohooo

millikan is HUGE. i feel like it was two marinas in one. and everyone there seemed like they were a foot taller than me. i was kind of scared trying to find the office. eventually i made it to the classroom and observed 1.5 hours of junior honor's level english with mrs. abbate. when she introduced me a girl said "why would anyone want to be a teacher and have to deal with rude high schoolers all day?" hahaha. i don't know.

it went pretty well though. the teacher is really nice. she kind of looks and talks like reese witherspoone. she introduced me to a bunch of other teachers. i was nervous but it went well. there is a student teacher there. she's probably a year or two older than i am. i get to observe her too. basically, by spring 2011 i'll be teaching like two full periods of class every day. aaaaaahhhhhh



my friend justin went running with steven's roommate alex. justin told me that alex said explicitly gross things about me. i don't know what to do with this information. i don't think telling anyone would really help. but it makes me uncomfortable.

i need a haircut terribly. the debate is up on how much i want to pay for one though. i wish i could just do it myself.

i got all the supplies for my goldfish costume. cute :-). i'm really excited to start working on it.


now i just need somewhere to go on halloween.

superhero party this weekend. i'm going to be robin. ummmmmmmm that's all